Love, life & sex

What a roller coaster, I really don’t want to be back here. Yet again sat in front of a stranger praying they can fix me. Praying that this person will have the answers to why I feel so dead inside and why I can’t be the person my husband needs me to be. His massive meltdown post vacation declaring that I was incapable of love, that I take him for granted, don’t fuck him enough is the catalyst for me trying anything I can think of to fix what ever it is inside of me that just can’t engage in my relationship the way my partner wants me to.

We shall call my husband Martin from now on, it’s not his real name. None of the names, places or dates on this blog are real. But it wouldn’t be very anonymous otherwise would it?

She seems like a cool chick this new therapist, young and kinda badass, head shaved up the sides with long flowing dark hair. I like her. Much more so than the acidic queen I was going to see in the city last time I fell apart and needed council. She listens to me talk then tells me wants me to work on my self worth and self confidence. She feels like I should be able to be more direct with my husband when I don’t agree with him. She said something very eye opening. I explained how I don’t challenge him much when he’s yelling at the kids. I don’t do it because he scares me when he’s so mad and earlier in our relationship he would just get worse when I would get angry and confront him so I slowly had just stopped fighting back. She said that I need to feel that I can intervene as my kids will see that passivity in me and learn that I didn’t protect them. That broke my heart into a million pieces, it was hard to hear, but I know she’s right. I know because I lived that with my own mother in my own fucked up dysfunctional childhood.

My new therapist says in passing ‘he’s your person” and a-lot of the time he is, but there are parts of him that are just so different to me and hard for me to get along with that I find it hard to see how we will ever have a normal marriage. There is so little trust between us and an oceans worth of dirty water under the bridge. I know he loves me so much and I do love him but I struggle to know what a healthy relationship looks like. I certainly wasn’t raised around one and I’m not sure I’ve ever really been in one.

I need to find a way to crawl out of this hole of sadness I’m lost in…. Once and for all.